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Old 04-18-2018, 03:01 PM   #1441
PACarolsue
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I had a Dr appointment with the PCP. He did repeat lab work to see if my low white blood count has improved, to see if I still have the UTI and a few other routine tests. We talked about my foot pain. He pressed on the bottom of my heel but no pain, so it's not PF, which I sort of knew. Pushed a few other places with no pain, but it doesn't usually hurt to the touch, just when I stand. Then he squeezed the front of my foot around my toes and PAIN! I had never tried that before. Because of this he says it's Morten's Neuroma. That is caused by pointy toe shoes or heels, neither of which I have worn in 15 years. But it can also be caused by arch problems, and the first day, that's where the pain originated....in my arch. He gave me some pain meds, which aren't doing any more than the Motrin I was taking, but it's at least tolerable. I don't know what the next step is. Online says that the treatment is just what I've been doing. Rest, Ice, Soaking in Epsom Salts. I just hope it goes away all by itself. I don't run like you do Kris, but I would like to get back to walking, plus I would like to be able to go places without this agony. Most of the time I have to keep my feet outside the covers and sheets because it hurts just to have the sheet over it. I have so many shoes....I've been trying different ones to see if there's one pair that works better than the others.

GB, I will be praying for you. I sure hope this treatment is working.
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Old 04-18-2018, 03:40 PM   #1442
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hi, Kris - I just had a positive thought regarding your situation. The people I've known with PF it seems like the main advice was to give it time ... Maybe, hopefully, your recouperation from the surgery could be just the thing to help your PF heal!

PAC - my now-ex-longtime-boyfriend is a long distance runner and suffered with mortens neuroma while he was training for the Pikes Peak marathon... He trained and ran the marathon with it, then had surgery right afterward. The surgery was an office procedure, and I got to sit in and watch (lol) and recovery was short and not any worse than my hammertoe surgery. I hope your improves with non-surgical options, but it's a pretty easy fix if it gets unbearable or goes on too long.

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Old 04-19-2018, 05:46 AM   #1443
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Praying for GB I know it will be a long 4 days for you

Lots of good info on feet in here!! I go back to dr again today for laser & muscle rejuvination treatments & they change the bandages. Still cannot put any weight on the foot, using cane and crutches.

I had never heard of the Mortens neuroma. So much you just don't know about till it happens to you. So far, my PF/heel is not hurting far as I can tell however all I do is sit and don't use it at all so no way of knowing It doesn't hurt to touch it like it used to, so hopefully you are right CASEY and all this sitting on my behind will be a cure for it.

It's very tough not to keep gaining weight. I've not lost any like I had hoped because I just don't burn it off like I was used to doing. I usually just skip dinner and eat something around 1 PM, trying to not go over 1,200 cals and shooting for LC. I think I'm staying the same weight but cant get a real accurate weight with this boot on my foot
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Old 04-19-2018, 05:50 AM   #1444
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Good morning everyone ! I’m running out the door but wanted to say hi and tell you I really appreciate this thread and all of you

Praying for GB. We have some great theological talks over on the non-drinking thread. Lol

I will come back and catch up this afternoon. Mon/Tues/Thurs are now split days for me but I have Fridays off again!!

It’s finally warming up here!
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Old 04-19-2018, 11:52 AM   #1445
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I was laughing at some of the things it said online about the Mortons Neuroma. It said if you continue to run with this, you could cause extensive damage. Run? It's all I can do to hobble to the bathroom in time. LOL Also, it said that it feels like there is a pebble in your shoe. The agony I am feeling feels nothing like a pebble in my shoe!! This morning I took the rx pain med along with 2 Tylenol Arthritis pills. This is what I was doing when I was using Motrin. I am leary of taking this along with my new heart meds. I have stayed off my foot mostly all day and my pain level right now is barely there. I imagine it will come back before long. I don't know if resting it extensively will help. All along I have been still doing shopping etc which would aggravate it. Today DH went to the grocery store with a list. He only had to make 2 trips to get everything. LOL It was on the list, but he forgot it anyway. LOL Then he called me to ask about which ground meat to buy. If I was there, I go by how it looks and the price, so I told him to just pick one. They don't realize the things we do that probably seem so insignificant to them.

Casey, I'm happy to hear that your ex's surgery was not a big deal, as it seems that that's the direction I will be heading in the not so distant future. My pain is actually unbearable already, but I first have to do the follow up with the heart doctor.
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Old 04-19-2018, 11:58 AM   #1446
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Kris, I never heard of Morton's Neuroma, either. I'm glad your PF is not really bothering you as much. Maybe resting is really helping. I developed PF when my employer changed our workstations from sitting to standing and I was standing 8 or more hours per day. I think all my coworkers got it too. I found a pair of shoes that helped. They were clogs, with a slightly elevated wedge rather than a totally flat shoe. It gave me relief to have my heel elevated a bit. I have not had that pain since.

DL, apparently GB did not see your previous avatars which showed your face clearer than this one of you doing side planks.
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Old 04-19-2018, 01:33 PM   #1447
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Kris, I never heard of Morton's Neuroma, either. I'm glad your PF is not really bothering you as much. Maybe resting is really helping. I developed PF when my employer changed our workstations from sitting to standing and I was standing 8 or more hours per day. I think all my coworkers got it too. I found a pair of shoes that helped. They were clogs, with a slightly elevated wedge rather than a totally flat shoe. It gave me relief to have my heel elevated a bit. I have not had that pain since.

DL, apparently GB did not see your previous avatars which showed your face clearer than this one of you doing side planks.
The one in the orange life vest was me at probably 28????

Yes I was going through a phase where I thought I should be more “anonymous “- hence the side plank pic. Lol

Here’s one with littlest DD.
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Old 04-20-2018, 05:12 AM   #1448
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Very pretty, both you and little DD.
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Old 04-20-2018, 05:17 AM   #1449
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Cute pic DL!!!!!
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Old 04-20-2018, 08:35 AM   #1450
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Thanks you guys!

Today about 10 girls are coming over for DD (almost) 10’s birthday party. The kids went with DH to get balloons et al. and I’m left alone in the quiet house. It’s the calm before the storm!

The weather is finally improving!! 67 forecasted for Monday! Whoop!

I’ve been potato and starch hacking (day 3 today) and so far I’ve lost 1 lb. I’ll take it since lately I’ve been doing nothing but gaining on low carb.

Hope GB is recovering and coming back soon. Have a wonderful weekend all!
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Old 04-22-2018, 06:05 AM   #1451
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Hmm, GB goes into the hospital and the thread dies. What is everyone up to this weekend?

I am maintaining my loss from the hospital and hoping to soon be into the 180s. It's been years since I saw that number.

DL, how is the potato hack going? I tried that once and it spiked my blood sugar. Also, I have a hard time not having butter on potatoes.

How's the weather in MN? Ours has warmed up into the 50s here and I hope it's up to stay. I want to go outside. I can't spend a lot of time outside because of my seasonal allergies, but I mainly need to stay away from the lilac bushes when they bloom. Oh, I see you did post the 67 forecast for Monday. I'd take that!!

How's the healing coming along, Kris? Any improvement?

Casey and Izzysdream have pretty much moved over to the new forum. We really need to decide where we want to post and what to name our thread. I think we can be in Challenges even though this is not an official challenge. Do we want to keep the "Why Do We Backslide" name or change it to something else. We get some lurkers dropping in from time to time and we want them to be aware of where to find us. We still have a little more than a month here, so no real hurry, yet.
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Old 04-22-2018, 06:55 AM   #1452
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Praying for GB I know it will be a long 4 days for you

Lots of good info on feet in here!! I go back to dr again today for laser & muscle rejuvination treatments & they change the bandages. Still cannot put any weight on the foot, using cane and crutches.

I had never heard of the Mortens neuroma. So much you just don't know about till it happens to you. So far, my PF/heel is not hurting far as I can tell however all I do is sit and don't use it at all so no way of knowing It doesn't hurt to touch it like it used to, so hopefully you are right CASEY and all this sitting on my behind will be a cure for it.

It's very tough not to keep gaining weight. I've not lost any like I had hoped because I just don't burn it off like I was used to doing. I usually just skip dinner and eat something around 1 PM, trying to not go over 1,200 cals and shooting for LC. I think I'm staying the same weight but cant get a real accurate weight with this boot on my foot
Thanks for your prayers Kris and everyone else. Good to hear the PF is maybe settling down a tad. Mine went away after I quit thinking about it. That's life, soon it will be 3 years since your PF started and went away because you changed some habits.

I read everyone's posts. I'm praying your WBC count will improve PAC and your foot pain.

Well, I'm back! Got out of the hospital/jail yesterday evening. What a trip!!
The second night I was there, as I began to feel pressure on my heart, watching the chemo bag drip poison into my blood....I felt like I couldn't keep doing it.

I thought about telling the nurse about the pressure in my chest, but I was afraid she'd shut down the chemo and cart me off to cardio. Was the chest discomfort really serious enough to shut down the chemo? Spend another day in the hospital for complaining?

I was really down in the dumps. I thought "I can't keep doing this." But I'm either dying from chemo or I can kill myself by quitting, but either way I probably won't live much longer. I sat there all alone in that small hospital room and prayed.

I was brief and to the point with God. I gave my situation to Him and laid back down with my chest pains. The pains would go on to subside and I would see another morning.

The first night after I finally fell asleep and was out cold at 4:00 am, I was rudely awakened by the Velcro strap on a BP cuff being ripped apart next to my ear by an insensitive nurse. These people are way too obsessed with taking your vital signs!!

If I go back for another cycle, I think I must establish my unwillingness to participate in such OCD behavior on the part of the hospital. There is no reason to take someone's blood pressure 50 times in 4 days. No exaggerations.

I left with tingles in my left arm from the BP tests ruining my body there. But yeah, I almost quit on the second night. Just stop this madness right now. I'm leaving after less than two bags of chemo.

The next step will be a scan to see if this new chemo is being effective. If it is, the doctor will definitely want to do another two stints in the hospital. That sounds horrifying to me this morning. Go back to jail again??

Yesterday morning I turned off the TV and then could not get it to come back on. It was terrifying to be in a room with nothing but my thoughts. I was so sad that I lost the TV, even tho I grew to HATE the TV. It is all you have to keep yourself distracted for days.

I wish I was an avid reader. I didn't take my bible. I listened to some bible with my wife when she'd visit, but I just don't like to read anymore. It feels too hard. But the TV with ALL the commercials becomes a very seriously, maddening experience itself.

Yesterday the Discovery channel was lost to drag racing. Yes, drag racing all day in Kentucky. Two stupid cars taking off together for a few hundred yards to see who is more macho than the other. All day long! It makes you feel like you're losing your mind!

I switch to FOX news where all I can find out is how dumb Jim Comey is being these days. Over and over again I get to hear how dumb the DNC is being by trying to keep their narrative of Russian collusion alive. It's all they have to talk about besides Barbara Bush's passing.

The Forensic Files was loaded with re-runs of cases I'd already seen the last time I was in the hospital. There is like nothing to watch! How do men in prison do it? I guess you hit a wall and become some kind of zombie and you just accept being institutionalized? I really don't get it.

Anyway, so glad to be home again, but terrified at the inevitable return to the hospital. How I wish I could go back to the other chemo that only took a few hours to administer!!

Sorry for this meltdown people. I realize that this is what a lot of people go thru. The kid who wheeled me out of the hospital had himself been a patient with Crohn's disease in the hospital for 6 weeks straight! Mine was just 4 days!

How do humans do it? The suffering is hard to understand. So many commercials on TV about diseases and pharma drugs that can bring relief or death. You see the same commercials over and over and over again. It made we wonder why we try to hang on to life so desperately? As if spending more time with the grandchildren is so rewarding?

Yes, I will take this pill that can give me serious infections leading to liver failure and kidney shut down, but might make me feel better too so I can hug my grandson? I'm sorry but I am having a hard time with the whole concept of living right now.

I guess God is stretching me before I die. God knows I need it even tho I hate it.

I'm going to go exercise now. Four days in a bed, tied to a pole. Time to go move around. Have a great Sunday friends. Church is next and I'm good with that.
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Old 04-22-2018, 07:36 AM   #1453
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Hmm, GB goes into the hospital and the thread dies. What is everyone up to this weekend?

I am maintaining my loss from the hospital and hoping to soon be into the 180s. It's been years since I saw that number.

DL, how is the potato hack going? I tried that once and it spiked my blood sugar. Also, I have a hard time not having butter on potatoes.

How's the weather in MN? Ours has warmed up into the 50s here and I hope it's up to stay. I want to go outside. I can't spend a lot of time outside because of my seasonal allergies, but I mainly need to stay away from the lilac bushes when they bloom. Oh, I see you did post the 67 forecast for Monday. I'd take that!!

How's the healing coming along, Kris? Any improvement?

Casey and Izzysdream have pretty much moved over to the new forum. We really need to decide where we want to post and what to name our thread. I think we can be in Challenges even though this is not an official challenge. Do we want to keep the "Why Do We Backslide" name or change it to something else. We get some lurkers dropping in from time to time and we want them to be aware of where to find us. We still have a little more than a month here, so no real hurry, yet.
Hi PAC!! So glad you doing well & maintain the loss! You will be in the 180's soon!! I'm going to need some help getting things to work for me on the other site. I'm having problems. I tried to save in favorites and cant even do that. I cant seem to find it and get back there or find anybody over there. I cant seem to sign up for notifications of the thread so I can get an email and get back into it. Something just not clicking for me????

My foot seems to be healing, not so painful now but still cannot walk on it
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Old 04-22-2018, 03:20 PM   #1454
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hi, everyone! . I'm still popping in over here, too. I'm covering both bases for now. I have to keep tabs on GB! I'm glad you're back here with us - I found your post very thought provoking. Its bad that they treat patients like that - like less than human ... Or do I mean humane? Either way, it's unsympathetic.

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Old 04-23-2018, 07:09 AM   #1455
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hi, everyone! . I'm still popping in over here, too. I'm covering both bases for now. I have to keep tabs on GB! I'm glad you're back here with us - I found your post very thought provoking. Its bad that they treat patients like that - like less than human ... Or do I mean humane? Either way, it's unsympathetic.
Hi Casey First let me apologize for the grandchildren remarks. I was still kind of crazy yesterday morning. I'm starting to get back into my right mind today.

Oh and good to hear you foot is feeling better Kris

I wouldn't say I was treated badly in the hospital, except for the BP cuff being ripped open in my ear at 4:00 am. It's just that they over-do the care and that makes it bad.

Anyway, it's good to be home. I'm still struggling with the reality that I must go back again. That's hard to get my mind around right now.

I thought that since my leg wouldn't be painful, like the first time, that I could make the second round better somehow. But the TV is really your best friend in the room and I began to hate the TV.

I guess I have to learn to read again. What else is there? Again, I don't know how humans do it, like in prison. Doing time. It's way harder than I thought, especially with chemo dripping in the whole time.

I will just have to make the adjustment. Again sorry for the grandchildren remarks, very politically incorrect. It's just that I saw so many of the commercials that talk about a pharma drug, then the possible side effects and then they show you the reward for surviving, if you do, and the old person is hugging their grand child.

I guess that's a good reward. I'm not much of a kids person. Unless they are really well behaved, they tend to drive me a little crazy. So I have a harder time entering in to the reward picture of sticking around so I can be with my grand kids.

I'd rather be with my daughters than their kids. My wife is different, she'd rather be with the grand children. I do love it when my youngest grandson smiles at me. It makes me smile real big. Other than that tho, I lose interest very fast.

I know, I'm terrible. I'm a rotten grandpa. Shame on me. I'm not real crazy about dogs either. I like dogs, but my goodness, there are so many people now with dogs and they love them to death!

Some dogs are pretty cool. But a lot of work too. I really cringe when I see the dog walkers use the bag to grab up the you know what off the grass. It looks so disgusting. I'll just stay out of dog ownership if that's ok.

My apologies in advance to all the dog lovers out there who cannot relate to me. Dog loving has exploded since I was a kid. When I was young, we had a dog, but dogs were just dogs back then. Now they are more like children to their owners.

And so many dog owners too. Wow...dogs are everywhere.

Ok, so now that I have made myself even more unpopular, I will stop. I hope you all have a nice Monday.
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Old 04-23-2018, 07:52 AM   #1456
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Lol - you're so funny GB - tell us how you REALLY feel... And then apologize to anyone who may be offended. I don't have kids or grandkids, so I've thought the same thing about those commercials.

I related to your story about the BP cuff being ripped off because when I was in the car accident, I was immobilized with a fractured C-6 and they had a cuff on my arm and a machine that took my BP every hour, day and night! And because of the break, I had nerve issues in my arms and it sent me through the roof every time the BP cuff tightened. And... I was in my upper 20's and they sent a young male orderly or resident in to give me a sponge bath - I was mortified... But nothing I could do about it. Hospital stays can be a very humbling experience for me. One night they gave me pain meds for sleep and I wet the bed... I laid there crying until I got the nerve to call a nurse. Funny now, wasn't then!
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Old 04-23-2018, 12:42 PM   #1457
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Not long before I had my heart attack, I prayed to God that if I had to live with the foot pain the rest of my life then just let me die. Not long after that, he sent me into the heart attack to answer my prayer. Me? I started screaming for DH to call an ambulance, so I guess I didn't want to die, after all.

I can't begin to imagine what you are going through, GB, or how terrible it is to know that it might work, or might not. It's a coin toss. I have always said that if I get cancer I will refuse treatment and accept the consequences, but after the way I responded to the heart attack, I know that's not what I will do. I will try my darnedest to stick around.

Casey, when I was in the hospital for my heart surgery, there was an elderly woman in the next bed. The male nurse's aide came in and told her he was going to give her a sponge bath and she replied "Oh not you're not, sonny boy!" So he had to call in one of the female aides to bathe her. So, I guess you could have refused.

Kris, be glad your foot is gradually healing from your surgery and maybe by summer you will be back to running again. I hope so for your sake. This has gone on way too long.

I am a bad grandmother. I find kids just annoying. I am a dog lover, unless a strange dog barks and growls at me. I am afraid of dogs I don't know.
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Old 04-24-2018, 07:51 AM   #1458
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Lol - you're so funny GB - tell us how you REALLY feel... And then apologize to anyone who may be offended. I don't have kids or grandkids, so I've thought the same thing about those commercials.

I related to your story about the BP cuff being ripped off because when I was in the car accident, I was immobilized with a fractured C-6 and they had a cuff on my arm and a machine that took my BP every hour, day and night! And because of the break, I had nerve issues in my arms and it sent me through the roof every time the BP cuff tightened. And... I was in my upper 20's and they sent a young male orderly or resident in to give me a sponge bath - I was mortified... But nothing I could do about it. Hospital stays can be a very humbling experience for me. One night they gave me pain meds for sleep and I wet the bed... I laid there crying until I got the nerve to call a nurse. Funny now, wasn't then!
Good morning Casey and PAC. Thanks for posting and for being able to relate to my weaknesses about grand kids.

My daughter with our two grandsons will sometimes complain about how terrible certain of her friend's children are. So even she finds some grand children annoying. It's not just me is it?

Yesterday I brought home some nice patio furniture that a wealthy client didn't want anymore. We don't keep up our dumpy backyard (it was dumpy when we first rented). Plus I have the homeless guy back there and that puts a big damper on the yard.

Anyway, so we are putting it in the front yard. We talked about how it might get stolen, but what can we do about it? My wife was suggesting ideas about covering it with tarps and pulling the cushions off and bringing them inside.

I thought her ideas were not practical. Hassle becomes the key word. And if things are a big enough hassle, we simply won't use something. Anyway, we were enjoying sitting in the comfortable chairs with her glass of wine and my ale in hand.

Suddenly she gets up and leaves. I call out "are you coming back?" She says the conversation is too depressing. I said "oh no......" I couldn't believe it happened.

Sure I wasn't agreeing with her ideas and I shot them all down in a civil way. But I thought she was realizing that I was right and I had no idea I was making her want to leave.

Well, I guess I found out my cancer situation can't keep me out of trouble forever. Boy I don't like that kind of stuff in a relationship. It makes me feel like I wish I never brought the furniture home.

You do something nice and it blows up in your face. It's hard to shake off. I still feel it this morning and I don't feel safe. When will she stomp off again? Do I have to always agree with her in order to not be abandoned?

I know this is just a part of life and everyone goes thru it. But she had been treating me so well since the cancer diagnosis that I guess I became sort of spoiled.

But how long can a spouse keep up great behavior, right? At some point it has to give and in a moment you have to find out that you're not as important as you thought you were.

That's what I am trying to grapple with right now in life. I am less important than I want to be. Why do we crave importance, significance? Why can't we simply say to ourselves "you are not very important." And then be ok with that fact? Because it's true, most of us are not as important as we would like to be.

An argument can be made about our importance to God, but I'm just talking about human importance or significance. I guess the more giving we are, then we become more valuable to others and thus we become more important to them.

I think the reason that yesterday's tiff hurt so much is because I had just done a "giving thing." I brought home the furniture because I knew she has been wanting some for a long time.

I wasn't being rude or nasty in disagreeing with her. I just told her why I didn't think her ideas would work. And I still don't think they are good ideas. I guess it was just stung pride for her and having her pride stung, it was time to end our first enjoyment of the furniture.

Welcome to humanness. It is not perfect and never will be this side of heaven. Accept it and move on.
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Old 04-24-2018, 02:12 PM   #1459
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That's a tough one, GB... It's hard when you're just having a conversation and suddenly it takes a turn and ruins the moment. Communication is hard because we each think so differently, coming from our own perspective. I hope things get back to normal soon.
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Old 04-25-2018, 03:03 AM   #1460
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Hmm, GB goes into the hospital and the thread dies. What is everyone up to this weekend?

I am maintaining my loss from the hospital and hoping to soon be into the 180s. It's been years since I saw that number.

DL, how is the potato hack going? I tried that once and it spiked my blood sugar. Also, I have a hard time not having butter on potatoes.

How's the weather in MN? Ours has warmed up into the 50s here and I hope it's up to stay. I want to go outside. I can't spend a lot of time outside because of my seasonal allergies, but I mainly need to stay away from the lilac bushes when they bloom. Oh, I see you did post the 67 forecast for Monday. I'd take that!!

How's the healing coming along, Kris? Any improvement?

Casey and Izzysdream have pretty much moved over to the new forum. We really need to decide where we want to post and what to name our thread. I think we can be in Challenges even though this is not an official challenge. Do we want to keep the "Why Do We Backslide" name or change it to something else. We get some lurkers dropping in from time to time and we want them to be aware of where to find us. We still have a little more than a month here, so no real hurry, yet.
Hey PAC! I am liking the potato hack. I've been noticing changes less and less on low carb and have gotten increasingly frustrated. It's my nature to vacillate back and forth between extremes; I know this. So I did a 180 and went high fat low carb to low fat high carb.

I lost 3 lbs last week. Maybe it was water, who knows... but I did that eating 250-400 carbs per day- primarily of resistant starch. My fasting blood sugar continues to be around 80-85. When I first started, I did see some huge blood sugar spikes as my body adjusted to the dramatic change, but that has leveled off and now I'm barely hitting 130 mg/dl after my potato meal.

My mood is better. I feel like I'm more fun to be around. The cloud of depression and irritability has lifted. So, I will ride it out as long as I can.

I will admit though that my WOE's are like the weather here in MN... just stick around a week and it will surely change.
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Old 04-25-2018, 03:12 AM   #1461
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Good morning Casey and PAC. Thanks for posting and for being able to relate to my weaknesses about grand kids.

My daughter with our two grandsons will sometimes complain about how terrible certain of her friend's children are. So even she finds some grand children annoying. It's not just me is it?

Yesterday I brought home some nice patio furniture that a wealthy client didn't want anymore. We don't keep up our dumpy backyard (it was dumpy when we first rented). Plus I have the homeless guy back there and that puts a big damper on the yard.

Anyway, so we are putting it in the front yard. We talked about how it might get stolen, but what can we do about it? My wife was suggesting ideas about covering it with tarps and pulling the cushions off and bringing them inside.

I thought her ideas were not practical. Hassle becomes the key word. And if things are a big enough hassle, we simply won't use something. Anyway, we were enjoying sitting in the comfortable chairs with her glass of wine and my ale in hand.

Suddenly she gets up and leaves. I call out "are you coming back?" She says the conversation is too depressing. I said "oh no......" I couldn't believe it happened.

Sure I wasn't agreeing with her ideas and I shot them all down in a civil way. But I thought she was realizing that I was right and I had no idea I was making her want to leave.

Well, I guess I found out my cancer situation can't keep me out of trouble forever. Boy I don't like that kind of stuff in a relationship. It makes me feel like I wish I never brought the furniture home.

You do something nice and it blows up in your face. It's hard to shake off. I still feel it this morning and I don't feel safe. When will she stomp off again? Do I have to always agree with her in order to not be abandoned?

I know this is just a part of life and everyone goes thru it. But she had been treating me so well since the cancer diagnosis that I guess I became sort of spoiled.

But how long can a spouse keep up great behavior, right? At some point it has to give and in a moment you have to find out that you're not as important as you thought you were.

That's what I am trying to grapple with right now in life. I am less important than I want to be. Why do we crave importance, significance? Why can't we simply say to ourselves "you are not very important." And then be ok with that fact? Because it's true, most of us are not as important as we would like to be.

An argument can be made about our importance to God, but I'm just talking about human importance or significance. I guess the more giving we are, then we become more valuable to others and thus we become more important to them.

I think the reason that yesterday's tiff hurt so much is because I had just done a "giving thing." I brought home the furniture because I knew she has been wanting some for a long time.

I wasn't being rude or nasty in disagreeing with her. I just told her why I didn't think her ideas would work. And I still don't think they are good ideas. I guess it was just stung pride for her and having her pride stung, it was time to end our first enjoyment of the furniture.

Welcome to humanness. It is not perfect and never will be this side of heaven. Accept it and move on.
hi GB! So glad to have you back. First of all, let me say I'm not that great with children. Might surprise people since I have 3 of my own, but no. I don't do great with 'other people's kids.' I LOATHE play dates and sleepovers, unless the kids are supremely well-behaved.

DD10 (birthday is today!) had a sleepover last Fri night, and it was hell. Well, sort of. She had 10 girls over. 8 were going to spend the night, one went home sick *homesick* - so we had 7. It was so interesting to watch their different personalities. Some were rowdy, manners were lacking, help themselves to everything- and then there was a very sweet one who kept offering to help me. I later found out she has 7 siblings. Another one I could tell was very anxious and I was worried about her - (I was THAT kid at slumber parties) she later ended up going home at 11:30.

I was SO SO glad when the night was over. I really want to be the 'fun mom,' but to be honest I love my (pretty much) well behaved and mannered kids and have very little tolerance for the rest.

I HOPE that is the last sleepover for a LONG while. They were up til 4 a.m. I felt hung over the next morning... and like a hired hand waiting on them and cooking or feeding them every 10 minutes

Onto your other point. I can picture the story with the patio furniture. I have had many moments where things turn and go to a place I didn't intend... sounds like a nice moment that turned sour without warning. I tend to overanalyze those things to death. I hope it has improved by now. I have learned in my almost 14 years of marriage (I know that's not a lot, compared to you or many others that sometimes I need to give up my 'need' to be right. I have a real 'righting reflex' about me and I've soured a lot of nice moments with my need to prove my point. I've learned to let things go and to accept people as they are in the moment. Or, at least I try. Not sure if that makes sense at all, just know I relate!!

I had that moment with DD23 at the party Fri- I brought something up to her that totally ticked her off and got her upset and almost wrecked the night (I felt), we did recover but I was reminded again how I often need to JUST KEEP MY MOUTH shut and not 'say the thing' I'm so very compelled to say. I know what you mean, though. It's a delicate balance. You don't want to just walk around agreeing with everyone to avoid conflict, because that's not healthy, either.

Anyway, so glad to see you back!! And hi to Casey, Kris, Izzy, and anyone else still around!
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Old 04-25-2018, 05:48 AM   #1462
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GB, I had to step back and think about your patio furniture. I can see both sides. It can be a pain to be covering it and bringing in the cushions, but also, a woman usually wants to do what will protect it and keep it nice. Apparently she thought it was nice enough to want to do that. I think things that have to do with the house are the woman's domain, and the man is in charge of cars and the lawncare. That's pretty much the way things are divided here. Also, I think she is going through a lot of stress over your illness and the least little thing is going to bother her. You are the one with the cancer, but she is suffering, too.

DL, I had no children of my own, but raised my 2 step children. I hated when they had friends over, especially for sleep overs, so I made the rules so strict that they preferred to have their sleep overs at the friend's house instead of here. LOL There are so many people who feel as you do, they love their own children but don't like "Other people's kids." My step-son always said he didn't want kids. When he got married the second time his wife wanted a child so they had DGS. To listen to my step-son, this child is cuter, smarter, more athletic, better behaved than any other child who ever lived. I love DGS, but to me, he is a typical kid. I won't use the word "spoiled" but maybe over-indulged. But I'm glad they had him because DH thought he was never going to have a grandchild, and is happy that it's a boy he can play rough with.

I am diabetic, so the least little bit of carbs (starch) can send my blood sugar spiking, and once it goes up, it takes a long time for it to come back down. This is compared to a non-diabetic whose body regulates the way it should. Resistant starch is supposed to not raise blood sugar. They lie.

I think in many cases, switching from one WOE to the other is beneficial. If you eat the same way day after day your body adapts to that. If you switch out, your body never knows what to expect. If you think about it, people who are thin and never had a weight problem never give a thought to what their diet is doing to their body. They eat what they want when they want it. Some days they are not very hungry and eat less. I watch DH and I so want to eat like he does, but that's what got me to 200 lbs. He doesn't really eat a lot compared to the way some other men eat, but he can skip meals just because he's busy working on the car, etc, and when he does eat, it's just whatever and how much he wants. He leave food on his plate a lot, whereas I rarely do. If it's on my plate, I eat it. I have a very hard time putting good food down the garbage disposal.

I tend to follow low carb, but I don't lose the way others do on it. Fasting helps for me, but I find it hard to do when DH wants to eat.
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Old 04-25-2018, 06:39 AM   #1463
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Hi PAC, Casey, DL, Kris, Izzy and our other pop in friends. Thanks for weighing in on my patio furniture bummer moment. Things are normalizing nicely.

I mean I did apologize the very first day, shortly after she walked away. I blamed my negativity on my hospital stay. Shortly thereafter she was outside beaming over finding some of our old friends on Facebook who had become Christians.

I wasn't really in the mood to rejoice with her, but I thanked her for sharing....said "that's great", etc. I faked it.

I do have to remember the one about her suffering too, not just me with the cancer. But honestly, I did come out of the hospital feeling cynical and negative on life.

I thought I had a free pass to be that way for a stint, but she didn't accept it. She has since done everything her way. The cushions are off and in bags and crowding the entry hall.

I haven't said a word and don't plan to. I have said this before I think, but we are going back to Santa Barbara next week....and DW tends to be a certain way before we leave.

She tends to not be careful if she turns me off. I think she either hopes our plans to go away will fall apart (freeing up her busy life) or that I will be turned off and not so interested in her.

Our get away's are times where she knows I expect closer intimacy. And at her age, she can happily pass on that for the rest of her life. But I think she sabotages us in the days approaching so that I don't get too interested.

I don't think it's a conscious effort, but more of a survival tactic for her. I think some women, after the child bearing years, just have no more interest in that aspect of life. The men are different. Most of us don't lose interest for many years.

Thus the lack of carefulness involved in the patio furniture tiff. If he gets turned off....fine.....maybe we won't even go on the trip.....that's even better. And of course as I am winding down fast in life, with the possibility of a very short future, I take it even harder when I see a lack of carefulness to preserve our "closeness" as a couple.

The truth is, the longer I survive, the more likely we will revert to the couple we were before the cancer. Because right after the cancer diagnosis I enjoyed unprecedented attention and love for months.

I thanked her a lot for that too. Which would embarrass her because she knew it was kind of a too little too late thing. But I wanted her to know how great it was for me to have her heart again.

And now, like I said, I have been surviving for quite a while now, so old hat is kicking back in and it can be very hard to stop. Especially with me wanting her to go away with me on trips.

This is a bit of a problem for her. How long will this guy survive? How long will he want to go up North and look for things from her that just aren't there anymore?

Well guys, these are the real nuts and bolts of life huh? Life doesn't go down like a fairy tale. I'm trying to be understanding of it all and repent of bitterness and resentment whenever I see their little heads pop up in my pondering s of life.

I must fly away soon. I don't want the baggage of a resentful heart slowing down my take off. Christ died for me. He expects me to die to myself. Not easy, but necessary. Have a great LC Tuesday everyone.
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Old 04-25-2018, 08:20 AM   #1464
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GB, you are no different from most guys, it's always about the physical side of the relationship. Women are more about the romantic or spiritual side. I can understand you wanting the physical closeness, now, especially when you don't know where your future lies. I think you have always had her heart, but she does not necessarily want to express it in a physical way. She would probably kill you if she knew you were talking about this on a public forum. LOL
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Old 04-25-2018, 05:37 PM   #1465
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Hello Everyone! Lots of very very complicated real life stuff in here. I don't often speak too much about personal relationships on this forum but I sure can relate to a lot of what's been said here recently. Thanks everyone for sharing. GB so much of my personal life with DH is so much like yours with your DW. I didn't realize it, but I guess more relationships are like that than we think. I thought it was just me. Your attention to detail was so familiar. Of course cancer is not something I'm dealing with personally; I continue to send prayers your way. Everything else you mentioned struck a memory line though, trips and their expectations, changes as we age, my big mouth, grandkids, and even the patio furniture. DH used to drag our cushions in every night and pile them up in the middle of the formal living room. My belief was - just buy new if these get ruined, it was a big big hassle bringing them in. However, I guess he was right to do so since as we grew lax about it the dang birds totally ruined 2 of the really nice chairs. They pulled out threads one by one all along the tops to make their nests and destroyed them totally all in a couple days before we were out there to notice. DUH.

I do like to help a lot with my grandkids and like being around them but it's a lot sometimes. More than we can handle sometimes. DD is so overwhelmed with the 3 boys under 6. I do not see how she could ever do it without all the help she gets. Myself - I NEVER intended to ever work outside the home once I had my first baby. Never intended to go back to work ever. Ended up I had no choice and was forced to return right after the 2nd DD due to the fall of a major farm implement company locally. Working while raising little kids is super difficult, major babysitter issues before and after school. Not so bad when they are still in daycare.

I can't do much babysitting now with the foot to help her. Two are still in daycare, she mostly has problems with the one in kindergarten before and after school.

I got stitches out yesterday but still can't put any weight on the ball of my foot for at least 2 more weeks. I can limp a few steps with the cane on my heel. No exercising or walking for 8 weeks. The 4 inch slice is healing nicely and the ugly bunion is gone Didn't really expect such a slow recovery tho and the pain is really still pretty bad. No heel pain lately, I assume because I'm not on my foot much at all. I just go from the couch to the bed to the toilet and then to the doctor every 2 days for laser treatments. This is crazy. I can shower now that the stitches are out. Still hurts a lot tho, guess due to the broken bones and tendons in the foot/toes to line them up straight. I have gained pretty much weight. I skip dinners when I can, but sitting home so much not even getting any move around exercise - I'm just eating too much. Too much input and NO output Still shooting for LC but there have been many cave ins out of sheer boredom I think I am very sick of not moving. It's finally gotten nice here. I am really looking forward to hopefully being able to ride my bike and walk/run again.

So glad to see you all popping in here; I love reading the posts.
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Old 04-26-2018, 04:29 AM   #1466
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Hi everyone! I posted in this thread back when it was a part one! Carol and Melissa encouraged me to come back over, so here I am. Not sure what I can add but I am pondering...
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Old 04-26-2018, 06:16 AM   #1467
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Hello Everyone! Lots of very very complicated real life stuff in here. I don't often speak too much about personal relationships on this forum but I sure can relate to a lot of what's been said here recently. Thanks everyone for sharing. GB so much of my personal life with DH is so much like yours with your DW. I didn't realize it, but I guess more relationships are like that than we think. I thought it was just me. Your attention to detail was so familiar. Of course cancer is not something I'm dealing with personally; I continue to send prayers your way. Everything else you mentioned struck a memory line though, trips and their expectations, changes as we age, my big mouth, grandkids, and even the patio furniture. DH used to drag our cushions in every night and pile them up in the middle of the formal living room. My belief was - just buy new if these get ruined, it was a big big hassle bringing them in. However, I guess he was right to do so since as we grew lax about it the dang birds totally ruined 2 of the really nice chairs. They pulled out threads one by one all along the tops to make their nests and destroyed them totally all in a couple days before we were out there to notice. DUH.

I do like to help a lot with my grandkids and like being around them but it's a lot sometimes. More than we can handle sometimes. DD is so overwhelmed with the 3 boys under 6. I do not see how she could ever do it without all the help she gets. Myself - I NEVER intended to ever work outside the home once I had my first baby. Never intended to go back to work ever. Ended up I had no choice and was forced to return right after the 2nd DD due to the fall of a major farm implement company locally. Working while raising little kids is super difficult, major babysitter issues before and after school. Not so bad when they are still in daycare.

I can't do much babysitting now with the foot to help her. Two are still in daycare, she mostly has problems with the one in kindergarten before and after school.

I got stitches out yesterday but still can't put any weight on the ball of my foot for at least 2 more weeks. I can limp a few steps with the cane on my heel. No exercising or walking for 8 weeks. The 4 inch slice is healing nicely and the ugly bunion is gone Didn't really expect such a slow recovery tho and the pain is really still pretty bad. No heel pain lately, I assume because I'm not on my foot much at all. I just go from the couch to the bed to the toilet and then to the doctor every 2 days for laser treatments. This is crazy. I can shower now that the stitches are out. Still hurts a lot tho, guess due to the broken bones and tendons in the foot/toes to line them up straight. I have gained pretty much weight. I skip dinners when I can, but sitting home so much not even getting any move around exercise - I'm just eating too much. Too much input and NO output Still shooting for LC but there have been many cave ins out of sheer boredom I think I am very sick of not moving. It's finally gotten nice here. I am really looking forward to hopefully being able to ride my bike and walk/run again.

So glad to see you all popping in here; I love reading the posts.
Hi Kris, PAC, welcome Jeaniem.


I don't know PAC, sure it's a public forum, but nobody in her knows my DW in real life. Besides, what I'm reporting is what so many people do. It's normal. My DW is normal and that is difficult for me as a male at times.

Difficult because all of our "normal" behaviors are broken. We are a broken and needy people. But pride causes us to see ourselves better than what we really are. Pride keeps us from going to God for help.

Kris, sounds like you're making progress. I can totally empathize with your painful recovery. It does take a lot of time to recover. More than we first realized. My hip area is still hurting well over a month after the surgery.

But I'm able to get around. It just stiffens up when I sit and takes a bit to warm up for walking. I have to admit that I was taken a back last trip to Santa Barbara when I had to return to crutches.

So we leave next Wednesday for wine country again. I'm laying low, not talking about it like I'd normally do. I'm giving her plenty of space.

Wow Kris, sounds like you guys had no choice but to bring in the cushions! We don't have destructive birds like that. Terrible!

Not much else to say. I know my next trip to the hospital will be here before I know it. If the coming scans show improvement, then I guess I should count it a blessing that I can go get the chemo.

This next time around I envision myself breaking the hospital rules and actually leaving the 8th floor and walking right outside into the sunshine. I feel like I must escape the room a lot more.

I must learn to not watch things on the TV over and over again. Change the channel every time a pharma drug commercial is on. Don't let certain people visit me.

My oldest DD from my first marriage came to visit twice. It was horrible. She was drunk. She would constantly insult me and praise herself. And the sad part is, she had no idea she was doing that. It is just who she has become. She appears to be losing her mind.

So I can't let her know the next time I go in. I had thought it might be a good time to catch up on our almost non existent relationship, but it was like letting the Joker from Batman into the room. I can't take anymore of that while on chemo.

At my house, with some beer before she arrives, then I can handle the Joker a little. But straight up on chemo? Uh uh.

Then there's the little things too, like letting the nurse come in while I'm eating the Chinese food my wife brought me. I'm sitting there eating while the nurse puts a BP cuff on my arm. Are you serious? Go away and come back later please!!

Plus I have to figure out how to tell my wife I don't want her watching me eat the Chinese food. I felt like I was in the zoo, one of the animals, as my wife watched me eat. She needs to bring something for herself too or just drop the food off, have a short visit and go back home. Then I will eat the food.

Well, I'm trying to learn how to do it. It's tricky trying to survive 4 days in a small room. Time to go exercise now. Hope you all have a nice LC Thursday.
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Old 04-26-2018, 07:12 AM   #1468
PACarolsue
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GB, DH would never bring food for me when in the hospital. He said that they were feeding me what I'm supposed to be eating so just eat that. Our hospital food is not terrible, and often I was too sick to enjoy food anyway. A couple times he did bring me some ice cream for the visitors waiting room. Little dixie cups. He would come in every morning with the 2 donuts he bought from the cafeteria and eat them in front of me. LOL He knows that doesn't bother me.

Maybe rather than telling DW to leave so you could eat, you could set the food aside. When she asks why you are not eating it, tell her you will eat it after she leaves, and maybe she will take the hint. I am such a foodie that it would never bother me to have someone there while I eat. Nothing stops my appetite.

I hate getting visitors while in the hospital. I just want to be left alone. Most people know that and stay away. DH would come twice a day and this last time I did get him down to once a day and a phone call.

Hi Jeannie! So glad you stopped in. Hope you eventually feel comfortable enough to chime in.

Kris, I sure hope your foot is healing. Enough is enough.

I think relationships change over time, spending so much time together. In the beginning everyone is on their best behavior but eventually the true personality comes out. DH does things that irritate me, but I'm sure I do a lot of things that irritate him, too, and I'm pretty much holding back. LOL

We have nice chairs that we rarely use because they cannot be left out in the weather since we don't have a deck cover or porch roof. The cushions are in the way when we bring them inside. We have switched to using chairs that can be left out, and are inexpensive if someone would decide to steal them. Also they are inexpensive to replace. Some people just buy new ones every year. Some people have outdoor furniture that is nicer than my living room furniture. LOL
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Last edited by PACarolsue; 04-26-2018 at 07:15 AM..
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Old 04-26-2018, 01:08 PM   #1469
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Hi everyone!

I hate it when people watch me eat. I also hate it when I'm NOT eating and they are, and I feel weird, or like they'll think I have an eating disorder or something. We had an ice cream social at work a couple of weeks ago, and I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb because I wasn't partaking in it...but no one asked, which I was glad about.

Last week, one of the clients in the evening program brought two pizzas in because it was his graduation. One was a veggie pizza. He said, 'you'll probably be into that because you're a girl.' lol. Anyway, they wanted to know why I wasn't eating any, and i said, "Hey, i hate to be one of those 'gluten free people, but my thyroid protocol prevents me from eating gluten.'

No one really wants to hear about my thyroid anyway, so they dropped it after that. lol

Regarding the talk about people's different views on marital stuff- I want to speak some words into your lives. Since we are being candid here, may I tell you that God wants you to have mind-blowing relations with your spouse. I hope I don't get censored for saying that. I know this will change with age and illness and all that... this is fresh on my mind because in the marriage ministry I'm involved in, we do a lot of discussion on this subject. One of the things they suggest people do (that may sound weird) is to invite God into your bedroom. He's there anyway. Just an idea.

Anyway I know it's difficult where there's mismatched desire among couples...and frustrating too. I guess that's all I have to say abotu that. LOL

I want some new patio furniture. It's so darned expensive. I saw a set last night I liked, but it was $500. Big fat downer.

Jeanie, I'm so glad you came over here!! Jeanie is my long-time buddy who has stuck by me quite a while in LCF.

Well, I have to run, I hope you all have a great evening.
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Old 04-26-2018, 07:53 PM   #1470
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